I haven't posted in a while so I thought that due to a creative rush I'd post and share a few things that have occurred over the past few months with me. I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. I have had a full days of work and went out with a few friends tonight so please excuse if things don’t make sense or is idiocy.
I'm taking a month off of school due to medical reasons. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety caused by ADD. I've been taking medication but due to some circumstances my physiatrist thinks it has more to do with my identity issues then anything else. The truth is that I have feelings for other guys but due to my Christian beliefs I have conflict with acting on them. Many would say that it's okay but I just don't know, I don't wanna be sly about this stuff and it feels that I am being so when I act on things with other guys. I was so overwhelmed by things, I think it would have only been a matter of time till I had a major breakdown and I would have turned up at the hospital on the psych ward.
All of this started with a silly decision that I made when I broke up with someone and upon wanting to get back with him I found out that he was marrying someone else. A man that I recently got back into contact with but days after my first conversation he stabbed the knife that I used on him last year to break up with him into me. He didn’t wanna know me after how I treated him. I actually had a razor to my wrist that night. I was ready to take my life. I was so guilty over what I did that I just couldn’t take life anymore. I quickly texted a friend and when I got even worse I called him explaining my situation and he provided comfort to me. My feelings of suicide subsided and I managed to get some sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never have him so there’s no use in crying another tear for a man that doesn’t even want me.
To help to cope with my pain I used various ways to numb things. I used porn, alcohol and music to stop from feeling the pain that I caused for myself.
This particular friend that I called has been helping me a fair bit of late. He’s very simular to me in that he likes guys, he has experienced extreme anxiety and he has a personal relationship with Christ. I meet him a few weeks back when he was making the journey to Sydney from Perth. Like always, I struggled with not feeling attractions towards him but I am finding that our friendship has become quiet fruitful. He’s one of those that don’t believe that acting on the desires is appropriate in God’s eyes…from what I’ve said previous you might have established that I am in between things. At times I have considered walking away from my faith to pursue a life with another guy. At other times I have been wanting to find just a little loophole in this argument and stay with my relationship with God but also have a bf that I could even marry. I really need answers. I really need support. I really need God.
Tim.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Trying to find stability
It’s amazing the thoughts that flow through your head when it’s 2 in the morning. The past few days I have been having a sicking feeling each and every time I think of my faith in relation to homosexuality. Understanding of these things is what I want. Can I be a gay Christian? What does that involved? Can I be practicing my sexuality with someone that I love regardless of the fact that they are another man? Can I find middle ground and still be happy? I have been working with others from my church to get to a place where I am healthy. Because of the addictions that I have developed, the sex and porn, I really need time to get healthy through the power of God. I am not expecting a miracle but I have come far from where I was before. I hope in the coming weeks I will answer the above questions.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Just waiting for dawn and the light of life
Last week end was a defining week end for me. This weekend marked the coming of a new chapter within my life...even though I may have had some hickups along the way.
Friday night wasn't that eventful but I did happen to have dinner with a few mates at my youth pastors place...bbq. I got home and I spoke to my ex boyfriend and I was alerted to the fact that he had a long term boyfriend that he was dating. I still had feelings for the guy, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as what was to come.
The following day I did a few things at home with my parents and it came night and I was chatting online with a few mates when messenger came up and said "Rod has come online". Thinking to myself that I should speak to him, I was up front with him about me still having feelings for him. He basically told me to get over what I felt and move on. That was once he said that he was marrying the man that he dated a few times before we dated last year. You see we broke up September 19th. I remember that date because I was up in Sydney that day with a few friends. I told him basically to "Fuck off", didn't wanna be his friend and I didn't want to even know him anymore. That was the hardest decisions I have had to make my whole teenage life.
Things got out of hand and I just said that I don't think we should be in contact because of how I felt. Got me in the worst head space. I was in such a state that I was crying on and off the coming minutes after the news broke. Here's where things got the worst though, I thought it would be good that I run a bath to clear my mind. The truth is that I was considering trying to kill myself. A few years back I had a plan to kill my self, I would run a bath, slit wrists and then fall to sleep sobbing. That was my plan...but I removed the sissors from my room in order to try and not be tempted.
I texted my youth pastor asking for assistance. He then texted my parents to tell them that there was something up with me. I explained what had occured and that I was having suicidal thoughts. The next day I didn't have work or study so I went to the morning and the evening church service at my local church and seeked God's guidance on things. The evening service came for a shock to me considering I hadn't communicated to anyone but my youth pastor (whom is not apart of the church that I go to), because one of the youth pastors there was suspecious that someone was having suicidal thoughts...I was glad that I went that night. I was prayed for and I was spoken to by a women named Jos. She too was in the homosexual lifestyle and knows what it's like to have had thoughts of suicide and a past in the supernatural. I look forward to the future.
One free of my guilt.
Friday night wasn't that eventful but I did happen to have dinner with a few mates at my youth pastors place...bbq. I got home and I spoke to my ex boyfriend and I was alerted to the fact that he had a long term boyfriend that he was dating. I still had feelings for the guy, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as what was to come.
The following day I did a few things at home with my parents and it came night and I was chatting online with a few mates when messenger came up and said "Rod has come online". Thinking to myself that I should speak to him, I was up front with him about me still having feelings for him. He basically told me to get over what I felt and move on. That was once he said that he was marrying the man that he dated a few times before we dated last year. You see we broke up September 19th. I remember that date because I was up in Sydney that day with a few friends. I told him basically to "Fuck off", didn't wanna be his friend and I didn't want to even know him anymore. That was the hardest decisions I have had to make my whole teenage life.
Things got out of hand and I just said that I don't think we should be in contact because of how I felt. Got me in the worst head space. I was in such a state that I was crying on and off the coming minutes after the news broke. Here's where things got the worst though, I thought it would be good that I run a bath to clear my mind. The truth is that I was considering trying to kill myself. A few years back I had a plan to kill my self, I would run a bath, slit wrists and then fall to sleep sobbing. That was my plan...but I removed the sissors from my room in order to try and not be tempted.
I texted my youth pastor asking for assistance. He then texted my parents to tell them that there was something up with me. I explained what had occured and that I was having suicidal thoughts. The next day I didn't have work or study so I went to the morning and the evening church service at my local church and seeked God's guidance on things. The evening service came for a shock to me considering I hadn't communicated to anyone but my youth pastor (whom is not apart of the church that I go to), because one of the youth pastors there was suspecious that someone was having suicidal thoughts...I was glad that I went that night. I was prayed for and I was spoken to by a women named Jos. She too was in the homosexual lifestyle and knows what it's like to have had thoughts of suicide and a past in the supernatural. I look forward to the future.
One free of my guilt.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
This is honesty...
So I've been thinking for quiet some time now about if I really should be doing this. Most people won't care, others will be concerned and the rest will be disappointed. But here goes....
I am gay. As simple as that. I have struggled with my sexuality for a few years now and my veiws on things have changed a lot lately. I just wanted to let people know that's all. My offical coming out of the closet post.
Tim.
I am gay. As simple as that. I have struggled with my sexuality for a few years now and my veiws on things have changed a lot lately. I just wanted to let people know that's all. My offical coming out of the closet post.
Tim.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
So I thought...
Tonight I thought I could just write a few things down to show you guys how I feel currently in terms of life and things. It’ll be short…mostly due to time restraints.
- The past few months have been rocky for me, I think this has had to do with my study and transition from teen life in to adulthood. It's something that everyone has to go through and even though I keep reminding myself of that it doesn't help much with it. I still feel shit when I keep on telling people that I'm fine and then when I ask for advice I get guilty, ashamed that I've yet again over stepped the mark when it comes to my relationship with others and my relationship with God. I am not prepared to bare all my soul with going into the details of what happened but I can say that I have disrespected myself, my friends, my family and God. (I might go into it later on when I have the courage.)
- Something else I've had to deal with is the realisation of turning 20 this year and that this realisation really scares me. Uncertainty due to immaturity is probably the cause of this but I do hope that I can grow as a person as I go into the unknown.
- My difficulty in not over analysing things has come to the fore front of my mind due to something that happened recently at work. I am praying that being able to stop doing this and moving on will come soon…I guess that I just need to gain the wisdom to do so…and I know exactly where to go for that ;).
- Lastly, I have to make a lot of choices these coming weeks; from involvement with the ministry to how many hours I will need to put in to be top of the class this semester to get into the hospital’s student nursing program. I’m just praying that I make the right decisions…but I guess if I do I know what not to do next time :).
- The past few months have been rocky for me, I think this has had to do with my study and transition from teen life in to adulthood. It's something that everyone has to go through and even though I keep reminding myself of that it doesn't help much with it. I still feel shit when I keep on telling people that I'm fine and then when I ask for advice I get guilty, ashamed that I've yet again over stepped the mark when it comes to my relationship with others and my relationship with God. I am not prepared to bare all my soul with going into the details of what happened but I can say that I have disrespected myself, my friends, my family and God. (I might go into it later on when I have the courage.)
- Something else I've had to deal with is the realisation of turning 20 this year and that this realisation really scares me. Uncertainty due to immaturity is probably the cause of this but I do hope that I can grow as a person as I go into the unknown.
- My difficulty in not over analysing things has come to the fore front of my mind due to something that happened recently at work. I am praying that being able to stop doing this and moving on will come soon…I guess that I just need to gain the wisdom to do so…and I know exactly where to go for that ;).
- Lastly, I have to make a lot of choices these coming weeks; from involvement with the ministry to how many hours I will need to put in to be top of the class this semester to get into the hospital’s student nursing program. I’m just praying that I make the right decisions…but I guess if I do I know what not to do next time :).
Saturday, October 24, 2009
A collection of my thoughts
Due to some things that I have happened I have been forced to withdraw this from my blog. Sorry for any inconvenience that this may have caused.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Greetings again my friends
Sorry guys about keeping you hanging in there, it's been on hell of the past few days so I didn't think it was the best to write knowing that I might say something that I regret.
I was reflecting on what I could possibly talk about and in the recent week I've been struck with so many issues to do with faith and God and it is for this reason that I thought that I might just share a few points about my faith in God and in Christ.
It's a really huge story that I can't get through in one hit so just showing certain aspects of my Christian life might be easier for everyone to follow.
So anyway....It first started way back in year 4 when I moved to a Catholic school. I had RE most days and I was involved with some masses at the school. I didn't quite understand what I was getting myself into. I spoke to my parents about getting baptised in the Catholic Church (I was baptised by water in the Anglican Church) and we discussed it for a while, we even spoke to the school's sister; nothing eventuated though. When it came to moving to a high school, my parents thought that I should go private rather than public.
Whilst I was [there] I got in some pretty heavy stuff. I decided to become a Buddhist after hearing an RE lesson on the topic but it never really developed into anything. Then came the satanic stuff. I got into Magic and worshipping devils and such. I even considered myself a prophet and a medium. I realise now that the marks of those days still affect me now. I think it was mostly due to escape though. I was bullied a lot and I think that when I was in those states I had power. I would create this little world of my own where I was the boss and everything was dictated by me, a tyrant to those who disobeyed and challenged me. It was whilst this happened that I found the Christian God and started to accept that way of life. My conversion to Christianity was heavily influenced by a combination of two things. My love for fantasy and my love for power. So what got me into worshipping devils and stuff, carried over to what I wanted to get out of my relationship with God. This never really got me anywhere though. I was in worship one minute and the next I'd be going off and drawing or trying to converse with the dead.
I wasn't a good Christian was I?
Next week I'll be looking more into my past in the satanic and I'll also be talking about something that's actually deep to my heart, social justice. So two blog posts will be on the cards for next week, can't wait!
I was reflecting on what I could possibly talk about and in the recent week I've been struck with so many issues to do with faith and God and it is for this reason that I thought that I might just share a few points about my faith in God and in Christ.
It's a really huge story that I can't get through in one hit so just showing certain aspects of my Christian life might be easier for everyone to follow.
So anyway....It first started way back in year 4 when I moved to a Catholic school. I had RE most days and I was involved with some masses at the school. I didn't quite understand what I was getting myself into. I spoke to my parents about getting baptised in the Catholic Church (I was baptised by water in the Anglican Church) and we discussed it for a while, we even spoke to the school's sister; nothing eventuated though. When it came to moving to a high school, my parents thought that I should go private rather than public.
Whilst I was [there] I got in some pretty heavy stuff. I decided to become a Buddhist after hearing an RE lesson on the topic but it never really developed into anything. Then came the satanic stuff. I got into Magic and worshipping devils and such. I even considered myself a prophet and a medium. I realise now that the marks of those days still affect me now. I think it was mostly due to escape though. I was bullied a lot and I think that when I was in those states I had power. I would create this little world of my own where I was the boss and everything was dictated by me, a tyrant to those who disobeyed and challenged me. It was whilst this happened that I found the Christian God and started to accept that way of life. My conversion to Christianity was heavily influenced by a combination of two things. My love for fantasy and my love for power. So what got me into worshipping devils and stuff, carried over to what I wanted to get out of my relationship with God. This never really got me anywhere though. I was in worship one minute and the next I'd be going off and drawing or trying to converse with the dead.
I wasn't a good Christian was I?
Next week I'll be looking more into my past in the satanic and I'll also be talking about something that's actually deep to my heart, social justice. So two blog posts will be on the cards for next week, can't wait!
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