Life and its challenges. Part II

Holy crap my last post was all over the place. I reread the whole thing this morning and I was just amazed how scatted my mind has been...this on will probably be the same. I thought I'd write more as well so this is part II of Life and its challenges.
When I got diagnosed with the ADD it didn't help that I was falling further and further behind with my studies. I use to love to learning but I've lost almost all interest in nursing. Some could stay that this is a symptom of the depression, which is an easy conclusion to make, or perhaps it's just my ADD. I didn't feel at all ready for the placement that I was required to do with the study so I requested for the time off. It was accepted due to the medical reasons I provided. So stress upon stress built up and things seemed worse for me.
I tried my best to get involved at home but I always ended up in my bedroom watching the TV or talking to friends on the net. Tensions within the family have risen because of this and it makes me feel even worse when I get yelled at for simply forgetting to put something in the fridge or forgetting to do a chore around the house.
I tried my best also to get involved at church but I really wasn't able to push myself to talk to people due to my inability to talk to them on a relatable level. To combat the latter I was considering joining the music ministry for my youth group or even at church. I have found a real comfort in music as a way to express how I feel...perhaps if I join I'll grow closer to God. I only have to get back into guitar now or even teach myself the piano. I know most of the theory behind the two so it should be easy to pick up when playing. I need time to practice as well. My only concern with doing that is that there will be more time taken out of my week to play and perform which will impede upon my study when I get back to it. I think I’ll still have to think about that one.
I think it’s very much apparent that I have simply no clue where I fit in the world. I had vision for the future before but now I feel that’s all been wiped due to this huge depression struggle. I know what you're thinking. Every teenager goes through what I am going through so I really shouldn't be that concerned, but does every teenager want to kill themselves? It's not just that I feel cut due to the break up, it's the over all loneliness that comes when people don't quiet understand what you're going through. I have found only a few people that can relate to the path that I have taken in life. Some on one side of the fence, some on the other and many in the middle. It’s just another one of those life challenges that I have to meet.

Life and it's challenges. Part I

I haven't posted in a while so I thought that due to a creative rush I'd post and share a few things that have occurred over the past few months with me. I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. I have had a full days of work and went out with a few friends tonight so please excuse if things don’t make sense or is idiocy.
I'm taking a month off of school due to medical reasons. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety caused by ADD. I've been taking medication but due to some circumstances my physiatrist thinks it has more to do with my identity issues then anything else. The truth is that I have feelings for other guys but due to my Christian beliefs I have conflict with acting on them. Many would say that it's okay but I just don't know, I don't wanna be sly about this stuff and it feels that I am being so when I act on things with other guys. I was so overwhelmed by things, I think it would have only been a matter of time till I had a major breakdown and I would have turned up at the hospital on the psych ward.
All of this started with a silly decision that I made when I broke up with someone and upon wanting to get back with him I found out that he was marrying someone else. A man that I recently got back into contact with but days after my first conversation he stabbed the knife that I used on him last year to break up with him into me. He didn’t wanna know me after how I treated him. I actually had a razor to my wrist that night. I was ready to take my life. I was so guilty over what I did that I just couldn’t take life anymore. I quickly texted a friend and when I got even worse I called him explaining my situation and he provided comfort to me. My feelings of suicide subsided and I managed to get some sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never have him so there’s no use in crying another tear for a man that doesn’t even want me.
To help to cope with my pain I used various ways to numb things. I used porn, alcohol and music to stop from feeling the pain that I caused for myself.
This particular friend that I called has been helping me a fair bit of late. He’s very simular to me in that he likes guys, he has experienced extreme anxiety and he has a personal relationship with Christ. I meet him a few weeks back when he was making the journey to Sydney from Perth. Like always, I struggled with not feeling attractions towards him but I am finding that our friendship has become quiet fruitful. He’s one of those that don’t believe that acting on the desires is appropriate in God’s eyes…from what I’ve said previous you might have established that I am in between things. At times I have considered walking away from my faith to pursue a life with another guy. At other times I have been wanting to find just a little loophole in this argument and stay with my relationship with God but also have a bf that I could even marry. I really need answers. I really need support. I really need God.

Tim.