I haven't posted in a while so I thought that due to a creative rush I'd post and share a few things that have occurred over the past few months with me. I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. I have had a full days of work and went out with a few friends tonight so please excuse if things don’t make sense or is idiocy.
I'm taking a month off of school due to medical reasons. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety caused by ADD. I've been taking medication but due to some circumstances my physiatrist thinks it has more to do with my identity issues then anything else. The truth is that I have feelings for other guys but due to my Christian beliefs I have conflict with acting on them. Many would say that it's okay but I just don't know, I don't wanna be sly about this stuff and it feels that I am being so when I act on things with other guys. I was so overwhelmed by things, I think it would have only been a matter of time till I had a major breakdown and I would have turned up at the hospital on the psych ward.
All of this started with a silly decision that I made when I broke up with someone and upon wanting to get back with him I found out that he was marrying someone else. A man that I recently got back into contact with but days after my first conversation he stabbed the knife that I used on him last year to break up with him into me. He didn’t wanna know me after how I treated him. I actually had a razor to my wrist that night. I was ready to take my life. I was so guilty over what I did that I just couldn’t take life anymore. I quickly texted a friend and when I got even worse I called him explaining my situation and he provided comfort to me. My feelings of suicide subsided and I managed to get some sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never have him so there’s no use in crying another tear for a man that doesn’t even want me.
To help to cope with my pain I used various ways to numb things. I used porn, alcohol and music to stop from feeling the pain that I caused for myself.
This particular friend that I called has been helping me a fair bit of late. He’s very simular to me in that he likes guys, he has experienced extreme anxiety and he has a personal relationship with Christ. I meet him a few weeks back when he was making the journey to Sydney from Perth. Like always, I struggled with not feeling attractions towards him but I am finding that our friendship has become quiet fruitful. He’s one of those that don’t believe that acting on the desires is appropriate in God’s eyes…from what I’ve said previous you might have established that I am in between things. At times I have considered walking away from my faith to pursue a life with another guy. At other times I have been wanting to find just a little loophole in this argument and stay with my relationship with God but also have a bf that I could even marry. I really need answers. I really need support. I really need God.
Tim.
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This is good stuff. I can't believe that no one has commented on any of this stuff. We are so much alike in our views of the struggle and what I was like back then as compared to where you are now.
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