Monday, February 21, 2011
Well yeah...
I have some time on my hands so I thought I'd take the time to write an update about what's been happening the past couple of months in the life of Tim. I just recently got back to CIT (college) and damn is it hard getting back to study after a few months on holiday. This is mainly because I was out most nights during the holidays and had so much freedom to do what I wanted to. Adjusting shouldn't take long but I am just hoping that it'll finish up this coming week so I can get along with my study. Only 4 months left! Yay me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Back to safety
Crawling through darkness,
Fields of the night.
I look up to see a city on a hill,
But I'm to weak to climb.
Stars they fall around me,
And breathe more death into my soul
My thoughts they turn to what it was like in that city upon the hill.
I was in the mist of righteous men
But now that death has birthed in me I can only hope for those days again.
Where I was happy.
Where I felt loved.
And where I knew that He lived within me.
Back and forth I pace,
Fighting demons inside my head.
The wasteland that I inhabit,
I make it my rock and my bed.
I pray that dawn will come soon enough,
So I might be able to see through the darkness.
To climb the hill.
To break these chains,
That hold me down.
Oh God, I pray...
Please give me strength to make it there,
To make the climb.
Please give me more then hope,
Give me faith to make it through this night.
Guide me oh Lord. Please show me life.
Make this the end of my darkness and the start of seeing the truth that is You.
Fields of the night.
I look up to see a city on a hill,
But I'm to weak to climb.
Stars they fall around me,
And breathe more death into my soul
My thoughts they turn to what it was like in that city upon the hill.
I was in the mist of righteous men
But now that death has birthed in me I can only hope for those days again.
Where I was happy.
Where I felt loved.
And where I knew that He lived within me.
Back and forth I pace,
Fighting demons inside my head.
The wasteland that I inhabit,
I make it my rock and my bed.
I pray that dawn will come soon enough,
So I might be able to see through the darkness.
To climb the hill.
To break these chains,
That hold me down.
Oh God, I pray...
Please give me strength to make it there,
To make the climb.
Please give me more then hope,
Give me faith to make it through this night.
Guide me oh Lord. Please show me life.
Make this the end of my darkness and the start of seeing the truth that is You.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A thought or two...
I'm in a mood at the moment so I really shouldn't be posting but I wanted to talk about some things that have really been challenging me lately.
First of all there's this real need for love inside me that I am really seeking to be filled. Even with God in my life I still feel that there is a need for someone that I can truely show the expression of my love to and have it reflected back. My first thought was to try to find a fella that I could truely be with but I really find it hard to look beyond the sexual expression of love so I'd be in trouble there. I'd be in trouble regardless. I've had offers from a few guys that I know but I'm unable to commit to something like that when I've got so much support now, and if I do that I know that people will leave me to my own device, I don't want that. If people at my church found out about it I wouldn't have a leadership offer anytime soon. I've had thoughts of this young woman at my church though. Not so much the dirty kind but the kind that makes that need for love meet when I think of how wonderful she is. For the sake of those whom I know who read the blog and for the protection of this young lady, I will call her Sara. Sara is amazing. And I have got to admit that she is pretty good looking as well. I'd like to get to know her more but because of my shyness I don't approach her much, I just admire her from afar. That statement pretty much gave it away for those who live near by.
First of all there's this real need for love inside me that I am really seeking to be filled. Even with God in my life I still feel that there is a need for someone that I can truely show the expression of my love to and have it reflected back. My first thought was to try to find a fella that I could truely be with but I really find it hard to look beyond the sexual expression of love so I'd be in trouble there. I'd be in trouble regardless. I've had offers from a few guys that I know but I'm unable to commit to something like that when I've got so much support now, and if I do that I know that people will leave me to my own device, I don't want that. If people at my church found out about it I wouldn't have a leadership offer anytime soon. I've had thoughts of this young woman at my church though. Not so much the dirty kind but the kind that makes that need for love meet when I think of how wonderful she is. For the sake of those whom I know who read the blog and for the protection of this young lady, I will call her Sara. Sara is amazing. And I have got to admit that she is pretty good looking as well. I'd like to get to know her more but because of my shyness I don't approach her much, I just admire her from afar. That statement pretty much gave it away for those who live near by.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Life and its challenges. Part II
Holy crap my last post was all over the place. I reread the whole thing this morning and I was just amazed how scatted my mind has been...this on will probably be the same. I thought I'd write more as well so this is part II of Life and its challenges.
When I got diagnosed with the ADD it didn't help that I was falling further and further behind with my studies. I use to love to learning but I've lost almost all interest in nursing. Some could stay that this is a symptom of the depression, which is an easy conclusion to make, or perhaps it's just my ADD. I didn't feel at all ready for the placement that I was required to do with the study so I requested for the time off. It was accepted due to the medical reasons I provided. So stress upon stress built up and things seemed worse for me.
I tried my best to get involved at home but I always ended up in my bedroom watching the TV or talking to friends on the net. Tensions within the family have risen because of this and it makes me feel even worse when I get yelled at for simply forgetting to put something in the fridge or forgetting to do a chore around the house.
I tried my best also to get involved at church but I really wasn't able to push myself to talk to people due to my inability to talk to them on a relatable level. To combat the latter I was considering joining the music ministry for my youth group or even at church. I have found a real comfort in music as a way to express how I feel...perhaps if I join I'll grow closer to God. I only have to get back into guitar now or even teach myself the piano. I know most of the theory behind the two so it should be easy to pick up when playing. I need time to practice as well. My only concern with doing that is that there will be more time taken out of my week to play and perform which will impede upon my study when I get back to it. I think I’ll still have to think about that one.
I think it’s very much apparent that I have simply no clue where I fit in the world. I had vision for the future before but now I feel that’s all been wiped due to this huge depression struggle. I know what you're thinking. Every teenager goes through what I am going through so I really shouldn't be that concerned, but does every teenager want to kill themselves? It's not just that I feel cut due to the break up, it's the over all loneliness that comes when people don't quiet understand what you're going through. I have found only a few people that can relate to the path that I have taken in life. Some on one side of the fence, some on the other and many in the middle. It’s just another one of those life challenges that I have to meet.
When I got diagnosed with the ADD it didn't help that I was falling further and further behind with my studies. I use to love to learning but I've lost almost all interest in nursing. Some could stay that this is a symptom of the depression, which is an easy conclusion to make, or perhaps it's just my ADD. I didn't feel at all ready for the placement that I was required to do with the study so I requested for the time off. It was accepted due to the medical reasons I provided. So stress upon stress built up and things seemed worse for me.
I tried my best to get involved at home but I always ended up in my bedroom watching the TV or talking to friends on the net. Tensions within the family have risen because of this and it makes me feel even worse when I get yelled at for simply forgetting to put something in the fridge or forgetting to do a chore around the house.
I tried my best also to get involved at church but I really wasn't able to push myself to talk to people due to my inability to talk to them on a relatable level. To combat the latter I was considering joining the music ministry for my youth group or even at church. I have found a real comfort in music as a way to express how I feel...perhaps if I join I'll grow closer to God. I only have to get back into guitar now or even teach myself the piano. I know most of the theory behind the two so it should be easy to pick up when playing. I need time to practice as well. My only concern with doing that is that there will be more time taken out of my week to play and perform which will impede upon my study when I get back to it. I think I’ll still have to think about that one.
I think it’s very much apparent that I have simply no clue where I fit in the world. I had vision for the future before but now I feel that’s all been wiped due to this huge depression struggle. I know what you're thinking. Every teenager goes through what I am going through so I really shouldn't be that concerned, but does every teenager want to kill themselves? It's not just that I feel cut due to the break up, it's the over all loneliness that comes when people don't quiet understand what you're going through. I have found only a few people that can relate to the path that I have taken in life. Some on one side of the fence, some on the other and many in the middle. It’s just another one of those life challenges that I have to meet.
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