Last week end was a defining week end for me. This weekend marked the coming of a new chapter within my life...even though I may have had some hickups along the way.
Friday night wasn't that eventful but I did happen to have dinner with a few mates at my youth pastors place...bbq. I got home and I spoke to my ex boyfriend and I was alerted to the fact that he had a long term boyfriend that he was dating. I still had feelings for the guy, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as what was to come.
The following day I did a few things at home with my parents and it came night and I was chatting online with a few mates when messenger came up and said "Rod has come online". Thinking to myself that I should speak to him, I was up front with him about me still having feelings for him. He basically told me to get over what I felt and move on. That was once he said that he was marrying the man that he dated a few times before we dated last year. You see we broke up September 19th. I remember that date because I was up in Sydney that day with a few friends. I told him basically to "Fuck off", didn't wanna be his friend and I didn't want to even know him anymore. That was the hardest decisions I have had to make my whole teenage life.
Things got out of hand and I just said that I don't think we should be in contact because of how I felt. Got me in the worst head space. I was in such a state that I was crying on and off the coming minutes after the news broke. Here's where things got the worst though, I thought it would be good that I run a bath to clear my mind. The truth is that I was considering trying to kill myself. A few years back I had a plan to kill my self, I would run a bath, slit wrists and then fall to sleep sobbing. That was my plan...but I removed the sissors from my room in order to try and not be tempted.
I texted my youth pastor asking for assistance. He then texted my parents to tell them that there was something up with me. I explained what had occured and that I was having suicidal thoughts. The next day I didn't have work or study so I went to the morning and the evening church service at my local church and seeked God's guidance on things. The evening service came for a shock to me considering I hadn't communicated to anyone but my youth pastor (whom is not apart of the church that I go to), because one of the youth pastors there was suspecious that someone was having suicidal thoughts...I was glad that I went that night. I was prayed for and I was spoken to by a women named Jos. She too was in the homosexual lifestyle and knows what it's like to have had thoughts of suicide and a past in the supernatural. I look forward to the future.
One free of my guilt.
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