Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Back to safety
Crawling through darkness,
Fields of the night.
I look up to see a city on a hill,
But I'm to weak to climb.
Stars they fall around me,
And breathe more death into my soul
My thoughts they turn to what it was like in that city upon the hill.
I was in the mist of righteous men
But now that death has birthed in me I can only hope for those days again.
Where I was happy.
Where I felt loved.
And where I knew that He lived within me.
Back and forth I pace,
Fighting demons inside my head.
The wasteland that I inhabit,
I make it my rock and my bed.
I pray that dawn will come soon enough,
So I might be able to see through the darkness.
To climb the hill.
To break these chains,
That hold me down.
Oh God, I pray...
Please give me strength to make it there,
To make the climb.
Please give me more then hope,
Give me faith to make it through this night.
Guide me oh Lord. Please show me life.
Make this the end of my darkness and the start of seeing the truth that is You.
Fields of the night.
I look up to see a city on a hill,
But I'm to weak to climb.
Stars they fall around me,
And breathe more death into my soul
My thoughts they turn to what it was like in that city upon the hill.
I was in the mist of righteous men
But now that death has birthed in me I can only hope for those days again.
Where I was happy.
Where I felt loved.
And where I knew that He lived within me.
Back and forth I pace,
Fighting demons inside my head.
The wasteland that I inhabit,
I make it my rock and my bed.
I pray that dawn will come soon enough,
So I might be able to see through the darkness.
To climb the hill.
To break these chains,
That hold me down.
Oh God, I pray...
Please give me strength to make it there,
To make the climb.
Please give me more then hope,
Give me faith to make it through this night.
Guide me oh Lord. Please show me life.
Make this the end of my darkness and the start of seeing the truth that is You.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A thought or two...
I'm in a mood at the moment so I really shouldn't be posting but I wanted to talk about some things that have really been challenging me lately.
First of all there's this real need for love inside me that I am really seeking to be filled. Even with God in my life I still feel that there is a need for someone that I can truely show the expression of my love to and have it reflected back. My first thought was to try to find a fella that I could truely be with but I really find it hard to look beyond the sexual expression of love so I'd be in trouble there. I'd be in trouble regardless. I've had offers from a few guys that I know but I'm unable to commit to something like that when I've got so much support now, and if I do that I know that people will leave me to my own device, I don't want that. If people at my church found out about it I wouldn't have a leadership offer anytime soon. I've had thoughts of this young woman at my church though. Not so much the dirty kind but the kind that makes that need for love meet when I think of how wonderful she is. For the sake of those whom I know who read the blog and for the protection of this young lady, I will call her Sara. Sara is amazing. And I have got to admit that she is pretty good looking as well. I'd like to get to know her more but because of my shyness I don't approach her much, I just admire her from afar. That statement pretty much gave it away for those who live near by.
First of all there's this real need for love inside me that I am really seeking to be filled. Even with God in my life I still feel that there is a need for someone that I can truely show the expression of my love to and have it reflected back. My first thought was to try to find a fella that I could truely be with but I really find it hard to look beyond the sexual expression of love so I'd be in trouble there. I'd be in trouble regardless. I've had offers from a few guys that I know but I'm unable to commit to something like that when I've got so much support now, and if I do that I know that people will leave me to my own device, I don't want that. If people at my church found out about it I wouldn't have a leadership offer anytime soon. I've had thoughts of this young woman at my church though. Not so much the dirty kind but the kind that makes that need for love meet when I think of how wonderful she is. For the sake of those whom I know who read the blog and for the protection of this young lady, I will call her Sara. Sara is amazing. And I have got to admit that she is pretty good looking as well. I'd like to get to know her more but because of my shyness I don't approach her much, I just admire her from afar. That statement pretty much gave it away for those who live near by.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Life and its challenges. Part II
Holy crap my last post was all over the place. I reread the whole thing this morning and I was just amazed how scatted my mind has been...this on will probably be the same. I thought I'd write more as well so this is part II of Life and its challenges.
When I got diagnosed with the ADD it didn't help that I was falling further and further behind with my studies. I use to love to learning but I've lost almost all interest in nursing. Some could stay that this is a symptom of the depression, which is an easy conclusion to make, or perhaps it's just my ADD. I didn't feel at all ready for the placement that I was required to do with the study so I requested for the time off. It was accepted due to the medical reasons I provided. So stress upon stress built up and things seemed worse for me.
I tried my best to get involved at home but I always ended up in my bedroom watching the TV or talking to friends on the net. Tensions within the family have risen because of this and it makes me feel even worse when I get yelled at for simply forgetting to put something in the fridge or forgetting to do a chore around the house.
I tried my best also to get involved at church but I really wasn't able to push myself to talk to people due to my inability to talk to them on a relatable level. To combat the latter I was considering joining the music ministry for my youth group or even at church. I have found a real comfort in music as a way to express how I feel...perhaps if I join I'll grow closer to God. I only have to get back into guitar now or even teach myself the piano. I know most of the theory behind the two so it should be easy to pick up when playing. I need time to practice as well. My only concern with doing that is that there will be more time taken out of my week to play and perform which will impede upon my study when I get back to it. I think I’ll still have to think about that one.
I think it’s very much apparent that I have simply no clue where I fit in the world. I had vision for the future before but now I feel that’s all been wiped due to this huge depression struggle. I know what you're thinking. Every teenager goes through what I am going through so I really shouldn't be that concerned, but does every teenager want to kill themselves? It's not just that I feel cut due to the break up, it's the over all loneliness that comes when people don't quiet understand what you're going through. I have found only a few people that can relate to the path that I have taken in life. Some on one side of the fence, some on the other and many in the middle. It’s just another one of those life challenges that I have to meet.
When I got diagnosed with the ADD it didn't help that I was falling further and further behind with my studies. I use to love to learning but I've lost almost all interest in nursing. Some could stay that this is a symptom of the depression, which is an easy conclusion to make, or perhaps it's just my ADD. I didn't feel at all ready for the placement that I was required to do with the study so I requested for the time off. It was accepted due to the medical reasons I provided. So stress upon stress built up and things seemed worse for me.
I tried my best to get involved at home but I always ended up in my bedroom watching the TV or talking to friends on the net. Tensions within the family have risen because of this and it makes me feel even worse when I get yelled at for simply forgetting to put something in the fridge or forgetting to do a chore around the house.
I tried my best also to get involved at church but I really wasn't able to push myself to talk to people due to my inability to talk to them on a relatable level. To combat the latter I was considering joining the music ministry for my youth group or even at church. I have found a real comfort in music as a way to express how I feel...perhaps if I join I'll grow closer to God. I only have to get back into guitar now or even teach myself the piano. I know most of the theory behind the two so it should be easy to pick up when playing. I need time to practice as well. My only concern with doing that is that there will be more time taken out of my week to play and perform which will impede upon my study when I get back to it. I think I’ll still have to think about that one.
I think it’s very much apparent that I have simply no clue where I fit in the world. I had vision for the future before but now I feel that’s all been wiped due to this huge depression struggle. I know what you're thinking. Every teenager goes through what I am going through so I really shouldn't be that concerned, but does every teenager want to kill themselves? It's not just that I feel cut due to the break up, it's the over all loneliness that comes when people don't quiet understand what you're going through. I have found only a few people that can relate to the path that I have taken in life. Some on one side of the fence, some on the other and many in the middle. It’s just another one of those life challenges that I have to meet.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Life and it's challenges. Part I
I haven't posted in a while so I thought that due to a creative rush I'd post and share a few things that have occurred over the past few months with me. I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. I have had a full days of work and went out with a few friends tonight so please excuse if things don’t make sense or is idiocy.
I'm taking a month off of school due to medical reasons. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety caused by ADD. I've been taking medication but due to some circumstances my physiatrist thinks it has more to do with my identity issues then anything else. The truth is that I have feelings for other guys but due to my Christian beliefs I have conflict with acting on them. Many would say that it's okay but I just don't know, I don't wanna be sly about this stuff and it feels that I am being so when I act on things with other guys. I was so overwhelmed by things, I think it would have only been a matter of time till I had a major breakdown and I would have turned up at the hospital on the psych ward.
All of this started with a silly decision that I made when I broke up with someone and upon wanting to get back with him I found out that he was marrying someone else. A man that I recently got back into contact with but days after my first conversation he stabbed the knife that I used on him last year to break up with him into me. He didn’t wanna know me after how I treated him. I actually had a razor to my wrist that night. I was ready to take my life. I was so guilty over what I did that I just couldn’t take life anymore. I quickly texted a friend and when I got even worse I called him explaining my situation and he provided comfort to me. My feelings of suicide subsided and I managed to get some sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never have him so there’s no use in crying another tear for a man that doesn’t even want me.
To help to cope with my pain I used various ways to numb things. I used porn, alcohol and music to stop from feeling the pain that I caused for myself.
This particular friend that I called has been helping me a fair bit of late. He’s very simular to me in that he likes guys, he has experienced extreme anxiety and he has a personal relationship with Christ. I meet him a few weeks back when he was making the journey to Sydney from Perth. Like always, I struggled with not feeling attractions towards him but I am finding that our friendship has become quiet fruitful. He’s one of those that don’t believe that acting on the desires is appropriate in God’s eyes…from what I’ve said previous you might have established that I am in between things. At times I have considered walking away from my faith to pursue a life with another guy. At other times I have been wanting to find just a little loophole in this argument and stay with my relationship with God but also have a bf that I could even marry. I really need answers. I really need support. I really need God.
Tim.
I'm taking a month off of school due to medical reasons. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety caused by ADD. I've been taking medication but due to some circumstances my physiatrist thinks it has more to do with my identity issues then anything else. The truth is that I have feelings for other guys but due to my Christian beliefs I have conflict with acting on them. Many would say that it's okay but I just don't know, I don't wanna be sly about this stuff and it feels that I am being so when I act on things with other guys. I was so overwhelmed by things, I think it would have only been a matter of time till I had a major breakdown and I would have turned up at the hospital on the psych ward.
All of this started with a silly decision that I made when I broke up with someone and upon wanting to get back with him I found out that he was marrying someone else. A man that I recently got back into contact with but days after my first conversation he stabbed the knife that I used on him last year to break up with him into me. He didn’t wanna know me after how I treated him. I actually had a razor to my wrist that night. I was ready to take my life. I was so guilty over what I did that I just couldn’t take life anymore. I quickly texted a friend and when I got even worse I called him explaining my situation and he provided comfort to me. My feelings of suicide subsided and I managed to get some sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never have him so there’s no use in crying another tear for a man that doesn’t even want me.
To help to cope with my pain I used various ways to numb things. I used porn, alcohol and music to stop from feeling the pain that I caused for myself.
This particular friend that I called has been helping me a fair bit of late. He’s very simular to me in that he likes guys, he has experienced extreme anxiety and he has a personal relationship with Christ. I meet him a few weeks back when he was making the journey to Sydney from Perth. Like always, I struggled with not feeling attractions towards him but I am finding that our friendship has become quiet fruitful. He’s one of those that don’t believe that acting on the desires is appropriate in God’s eyes…from what I’ve said previous you might have established that I am in between things. At times I have considered walking away from my faith to pursue a life with another guy. At other times I have been wanting to find just a little loophole in this argument and stay with my relationship with God but also have a bf that I could even marry. I really need answers. I really need support. I really need God.
Tim.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Trying to find stability
It’s amazing the thoughts that flow through your head when it’s 2 in the morning. The past few days I have been having a sicking feeling each and every time I think of my faith in relation to homosexuality. Understanding of these things is what I want. Can I be a gay Christian? What does that involved? Can I be practicing my sexuality with someone that I love regardless of the fact that they are another man? Can I find middle ground and still be happy? I have been working with others from my church to get to a place where I am healthy. Because of the addictions that I have developed, the sex and porn, I really need time to get healthy through the power of God. I am not expecting a miracle but I have come far from where I was before. I hope in the coming weeks I will answer the above questions.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Just waiting for dawn and the light of life
Last week end was a defining week end for me. This weekend marked the coming of a new chapter within my life...even though I may have had some hickups along the way.
Friday night wasn't that eventful but I did happen to have dinner with a few mates at my youth pastors place...bbq. I got home and I spoke to my ex boyfriend and I was alerted to the fact that he had a long term boyfriend that he was dating. I still had feelings for the guy, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as what was to come.
The following day I did a few things at home with my parents and it came night and I was chatting online with a few mates when messenger came up and said "Rod has come online". Thinking to myself that I should speak to him, I was up front with him about me still having feelings for him. He basically told me to get over what I felt and move on. That was once he said that he was marrying the man that he dated a few times before we dated last year. You see we broke up September 19th. I remember that date because I was up in Sydney that day with a few friends. I told him basically to "Fuck off", didn't wanna be his friend and I didn't want to even know him anymore. That was the hardest decisions I have had to make my whole teenage life.
Things got out of hand and I just said that I don't think we should be in contact because of how I felt. Got me in the worst head space. I was in such a state that I was crying on and off the coming minutes after the news broke. Here's where things got the worst though, I thought it would be good that I run a bath to clear my mind. The truth is that I was considering trying to kill myself. A few years back I had a plan to kill my self, I would run a bath, slit wrists and then fall to sleep sobbing. That was my plan...but I removed the sissors from my room in order to try and not be tempted.
I texted my youth pastor asking for assistance. He then texted my parents to tell them that there was something up with me. I explained what had occured and that I was having suicidal thoughts. The next day I didn't have work or study so I went to the morning and the evening church service at my local church and seeked God's guidance on things. The evening service came for a shock to me considering I hadn't communicated to anyone but my youth pastor (whom is not apart of the church that I go to), because one of the youth pastors there was suspecious that someone was having suicidal thoughts...I was glad that I went that night. I was prayed for and I was spoken to by a women named Jos. She too was in the homosexual lifestyle and knows what it's like to have had thoughts of suicide and a past in the supernatural. I look forward to the future.
One free of my guilt.
Friday night wasn't that eventful but I did happen to have dinner with a few mates at my youth pastors place...bbq. I got home and I spoke to my ex boyfriend and I was alerted to the fact that he had a long term boyfriend that he was dating. I still had feelings for the guy, it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as what was to come.
The following day I did a few things at home with my parents and it came night and I was chatting online with a few mates when messenger came up and said "Rod has come online". Thinking to myself that I should speak to him, I was up front with him about me still having feelings for him. He basically told me to get over what I felt and move on. That was once he said that he was marrying the man that he dated a few times before we dated last year. You see we broke up September 19th. I remember that date because I was up in Sydney that day with a few friends. I told him basically to "Fuck off", didn't wanna be his friend and I didn't want to even know him anymore. That was the hardest decisions I have had to make my whole teenage life.
Things got out of hand and I just said that I don't think we should be in contact because of how I felt. Got me in the worst head space. I was in such a state that I was crying on and off the coming minutes after the news broke. Here's where things got the worst though, I thought it would be good that I run a bath to clear my mind. The truth is that I was considering trying to kill myself. A few years back I had a plan to kill my self, I would run a bath, slit wrists and then fall to sleep sobbing. That was my plan...but I removed the sissors from my room in order to try and not be tempted.
I texted my youth pastor asking for assistance. He then texted my parents to tell them that there was something up with me. I explained what had occured and that I was having suicidal thoughts. The next day I didn't have work or study so I went to the morning and the evening church service at my local church and seeked God's guidance on things. The evening service came for a shock to me considering I hadn't communicated to anyone but my youth pastor (whom is not apart of the church that I go to), because one of the youth pastors there was suspecious that someone was having suicidal thoughts...I was glad that I went that night. I was prayed for and I was spoken to by a women named Jos. She too was in the homosexual lifestyle and knows what it's like to have had thoughts of suicide and a past in the supernatural. I look forward to the future.
One free of my guilt.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
This is honesty...
So I've been thinking for quiet some time now about if I really should be doing this. Most people won't care, others will be concerned and the rest will be disappointed. But here goes....
I am gay. As simple as that. I have struggled with my sexuality for a few years now and my veiws on things have changed a lot lately. I just wanted to let people know that's all. My offical coming out of the closet post.
Tim.
I am gay. As simple as that. I have struggled with my sexuality for a few years now and my veiws on things have changed a lot lately. I just wanted to let people know that's all. My offical coming out of the closet post.
Tim.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
So I thought...
Tonight I thought I could just write a few things down to show you guys how I feel currently in terms of life and things. It’ll be short…mostly due to time restraints.
- The past few months have been rocky for me, I think this has had to do with my study and transition from teen life in to adulthood. It's something that everyone has to go through and even though I keep reminding myself of that it doesn't help much with it. I still feel shit when I keep on telling people that I'm fine and then when I ask for advice I get guilty, ashamed that I've yet again over stepped the mark when it comes to my relationship with others and my relationship with God. I am not prepared to bare all my soul with going into the details of what happened but I can say that I have disrespected myself, my friends, my family and God. (I might go into it later on when I have the courage.)
- Something else I've had to deal with is the realisation of turning 20 this year and that this realisation really scares me. Uncertainty due to immaturity is probably the cause of this but I do hope that I can grow as a person as I go into the unknown.
- My difficulty in not over analysing things has come to the fore front of my mind due to something that happened recently at work. I am praying that being able to stop doing this and moving on will come soon…I guess that I just need to gain the wisdom to do so…and I know exactly where to go for that ;).
- Lastly, I have to make a lot of choices these coming weeks; from involvement with the ministry to how many hours I will need to put in to be top of the class this semester to get into the hospital’s student nursing program. I’m just praying that I make the right decisions…but I guess if I do I know what not to do next time :).
- The past few months have been rocky for me, I think this has had to do with my study and transition from teen life in to adulthood. It's something that everyone has to go through and even though I keep reminding myself of that it doesn't help much with it. I still feel shit when I keep on telling people that I'm fine and then when I ask for advice I get guilty, ashamed that I've yet again over stepped the mark when it comes to my relationship with others and my relationship with God. I am not prepared to bare all my soul with going into the details of what happened but I can say that I have disrespected myself, my friends, my family and God. (I might go into it later on when I have the courage.)
- Something else I've had to deal with is the realisation of turning 20 this year and that this realisation really scares me. Uncertainty due to immaturity is probably the cause of this but I do hope that I can grow as a person as I go into the unknown.
- My difficulty in not over analysing things has come to the fore front of my mind due to something that happened recently at work. I am praying that being able to stop doing this and moving on will come soon…I guess that I just need to gain the wisdom to do so…and I know exactly where to go for that ;).
- Lastly, I have to make a lot of choices these coming weeks; from involvement with the ministry to how many hours I will need to put in to be top of the class this semester to get into the hospital’s student nursing program. I’m just praying that I make the right decisions…but I guess if I do I know what not to do next time :).
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